i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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