How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
