i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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