You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
