Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
