why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
