I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
