Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He passed out mid-signature
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
