you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
