sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
