so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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