just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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