I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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