I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
