God, you're like boner-b-gone
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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