YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
