Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
