I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
