I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
