I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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