I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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