and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
