I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
