Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
