Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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