Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
