Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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