I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
