Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
