If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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