Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
