tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
