I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
