the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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