I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
