: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
