I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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