Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
