well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
