if you like me you must not know who I am
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
