you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
