Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
