someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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