Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
