My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Dignity is for republicans.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
