I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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