Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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