My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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