Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
