I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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